How to Improve your Spirituality

This is a funny email my brother Mark sent me about a hilarious sacrament meeting experience. I am sure you have sat through several of these types of meetings/open mike nights yourself. Good thing the Church is still true.



Brother Middlemas,

Observing your slackjawed countenance yesterday, and your call for
help to set in order your life, I yield to the promptings of the
Spirit in sending you this prescription for increased spirituality:

1) Stop taking showers. They entice us to think that nakedness is
natural. After having been on the pioneer trek, I know of a surety
that the pioneers never showered. Can you imagine Joseph Smith taking
a shower? The thought makes reason stare! No, brother, if you feel
the natural man whispering nudity in your ear, rebuke him and take
only baths from now on. If you will remove but one limb at a time, replacing it after you have scrubbed thoroughly,
you will feel pure intelligence flowing into you each time you bathe.

2) When you feel the urge to adopt a position advocated by a Democrat
as the appropriate course of action, ask yourself if he is speaking
according to the Constitution. This applies to Harry Reid and Gordon
Smith as well, who are wolves in sheep's clothing among the flock. You
can be sure that anyone who says a word about taking away our guns,
family planning, or reducing troop levels in Iraq is not ordained of
God.

3) Only play music you would feel comfortable listening to in the
presence of President Hinckley. Any standard less than this invites
the tempter to lay hold of you.

4) Movies which are not appropriate for children under 13 are not
appropriate for you. The Lord does not want us polluting our minds
with carnal filth.

5) Reject the devilish notion that we are descended from monkeys.
This encourages you to have illicit sexual relations with strangers.
Why are there still monkeys?

6) Refrain from speaking evil of the Lord's anointed. Has not his
servant Harris Platner had hands laid on his head, bestowing on him
keys and powers, worlds without end?

You will feel the power of the Lord, including even the power of
electric bolts from the heavens and causing car accidents to hedge up
the way of your enemies, if you follow these simple guidelines which
the prophets have clearly given us in these last days,

Brother Nilsson